Reflections of Insecurity

In my Counting Down to 30 blog series, I did a post about learning to love and accept yourself. While I still stand by everything I wrote, lately I’m having a hard time loving what has become the new, temporary normal.

Throughout my month-long hospital stay from August to September, I lost 25 pounds, placing my weight in double digits for the first time since early high school. If I didn’t look like a child beforehand, I definitely do now. I’m a stick figure — I lost all manner of womanly shape. I have no mass on my legs, no hips, no rear end, no breasts. You can see bones you couldn’t before. And to top it all off, I have a long, pink incision scar down my belly.

InsecuritySo many women and teens stress out about being thin enough to have a thigh gap, but I want mine closed again.

None of my jeans or pants fit me, and even while wearing a kid-sized belt, I’m still hiking them up throughout the day. It’s very frustrating. Leggings work, and I do wear them, but they tend to accentuate how thin I’ve become. It makes me feel extremely insecure. Sometimes I wear leggings underneath my jeans to add some bulk, and that helps keep the jeans from sagging a little.

Being this thin is not attractive for me, and I miss each lump and bump I had before at a normal weight. Now I look frail, like you could snap me in two with a hug.

My brain is constantly confused why it’s hard for me to get up from the floor, walk certain distances without stopping to sit for a few minutes, or why I need to rest when my leg muscles burn while climbing the stairs to my apartment with bags of groceries.

It’s been roughly a month that I’ve had a normal appetite again, and believe me, I’m eating and trying to pack on the pounds in a healthy way (though sometimes binging on fast food happens when you’re out and about). The scale has yet to show much increase in weight, but I know it’s not going to happen over night. Time is what is going to make the difference. And maybe the holiday season might help.

Coming up with ways to make yourself feel more confident is the trick.

When it comes to fashion, wearing my favorite outfits helps. Though bottoms are a struggle for me right now, the tops I have in my closet still work, even if they are a touch baggier than before. Add a cute scarf and some flashy earrings, and I’m set. I also try to focus a bit harder on applying makeup to accentuate the facial features I like, or curling my hair to add some volume.

What do you do when you lack confidence in your looks? Tell me in the comments!


About Karin

Journalist, singer, reader, movie fanatic, photography buff, GVSU alum, wanna-be-Brit, Crohn's fighter, Coca-Cola addict, animal lover, not a kid person, hater of winter, Michigander
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8 Responses to Reflections of Insecurity

  1. aunt kim says:

    Hmmm, yeah, I’m on the other side of this…..not liking the extra “cush” that came back after I returned to my usual diet…..wondering if I will have to once again remove yeast and sugar from my diet in order to fit into my newer clothes or to feel comfortable in anything but leggings…. not that I mind the leggings, but I would like to enjoy some of my other clothes.
    Glad to hear you have your appetite back; that should help. And you can enjoy all the cookies this season.
    I think leggings under jeans or skirts is a good option for you…especially now that it is winter and you can layer up.

  2. Ruth Olsen says:

    I can relate somewhat. When the season changed in the fall, I used to try on slacks to see if they fit. Not because I was afraid they’d be too tight, but to see how loose they might be. When I was in college, I got up to 112 lbs. and was thrilled. I never filled out a pair of slacks. I used to want to gain a couple lbs. in each thigh. But now I’m older and none of that is the case anymore. And now, after having my second bout of diverticulitis in two months with more antibiotics and another CAT scan with contrast, I am reminded that “if we have our health, we have everything”. You’re recovering and will be 100% again. Eat healthy and get protein. You’re the same wonderful girl.

  3. Linda says:

    Karin- it may help to concentrate on your other wonderful features. You have beautiful hair and a gorgeous face- maybe a new cut or hi-lights or a new make-up style would change up the way you feel about yourself. Since you don’t have a lot of fat right now, could you bulk up some muscle a little with weights? (like small hand weights and go slow!) Killer shoes or boots always send me to the moon or a new piece of jewelry. If all else fails- don’t forget to ask Santa for a 5# box of Godiva’s 🙂

  4. Kimberly Mendes says:

    I hear you, Karin! And I understand. I struggle with the opposite end of the scales, but I think the feelings are the same. Don’t forget that you have an inner beauty that can also: make your eyes sparkle; put a smile on your lips; put a spring in your step. And this kind of beauty can actually radiate so strong that it touches those near you. It can make your little corner of the world a much more pleasant place to be. I can feel YOUR inner beauty shining brightly through your many challenges. Your are lovely!

  5. Pingback: Sighs & Smiles: April Showers and Spring Flowers | Expected Miracles

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