In my Counting Down to 30 blog series, I did a post about learning to love and accept yourself. While I still stand by everything I wrote, lately I’m having a hard time loving what has become the new, temporary normal.
Throughout my month-long hospital stay from August to September, I lost 25 pounds, placing my weight in double digits for the first time since early high school. If I didn’t look like a child beforehand, I definitely do now. I’m a stick figure — I lost all manner of womanly shape. I have no mass on my legs, no hips, no rear end, no breasts. You can see bones you couldn’t before. And to top it all off, I have a long, pink incision scar down my belly.
So many women and teens stress out about being thin enough to have a thigh gap, but I want mine closed again.
None of my jeans or pants fit me, and even while wearing a kid-sized belt, I’m still hiking them up throughout the day. It’s very frustrating. Leggings work, and I do wear them, but they tend to accentuate how thin I’ve become. It makes me feel extremely insecure. Sometimes I wear leggings underneath my jeans to add some bulk, and that helps keep the jeans from sagging a little.
Being this thin is not attractive for me, and I miss each lump and bump I had before at a normal weight. Now I look frail, like you could snap me in two with a hug.
My brain is constantly confused why it’s hard for me to get up from the floor, walk certain distances without stopping to sit for a few minutes, or why I need to rest when my leg muscles burn while climbing the stairs to my apartment with bags of groceries.
It’s been roughly a month that I’ve had a normal appetite again, and believe me, I’m eating and trying to pack on the pounds in a healthy way (though sometimes binging on fast food happens when you’re out and about). The scale has yet to show much increase in weight, but I know it’s not going to happen over night. Time is what is going to make the difference. And maybe the holiday season might help.
Coming up with ways to make yourself feel more confident is the trick.
When it comes to fashion, wearing my favorite outfits helps. Though bottoms are a struggle for me right now, the tops I have in my closet still work, even if they are a touch baggier than before. Add a cute scarf and some flashy earrings, and I’m set. I also try to focus a bit harder on applying makeup to accentuate the facial features I like, or curling my hair to add some volume.
What do you do when you lack confidence in your looks? Tell me in the comments!