We have a new guest poster! I know you’re used to seeing Rich’s movie reviews, but due to his crazy busy life, and getting ready for his own wedding, he’s decided to take a break from writing. Therefore, I’d like to introduce you to Aaron, a friend of mine who has stepped in to write movie reviews for this blog.
Guest post by Aaron Bowersox
Snapshot Review: Death would be more tolerable.
Likes/Anything Good: Completely devoid of anything resembling goodness.
SPOILER ALERT. As if it would matter. Also the REVIEW and the CONCLUSION, all in one.
Earlier tonight, I asked my brother a simple question. (I’m paraphrasing, here.)
“What movie should we watch that would give me a comparable experience to being waterboarded with hydrochloric acid?”
“Point Break, the remake of the year 2015,” he said, paraphrasically.
Thus began our journey.
By journey, I mean horrific torture. Absolutely nothing about this movie is redeeming. The acting is laughable. The writing is, at best, the best works of a college sophomore script writer who has learned nothing from his or her freshman writing classes. The acting..oh, if I could adequately describe the acting with words I would be better than Hemingway. (And I’m not.)
“My parents died in an avalanche.”
These words (or something similar…I started laughing hard) were uttered in the movie. Aloud. And on purpose. For dramatic effect. As if such words could ever be taken seriously.
If it wasn’t be utterly predictable, Point Break (20-effing-15 version) was being so bland and self-serious that I did not bother to pause whilst taking a moment to whiz in the bathroom. Who doesn’t pause a movie for Mother Nature? People who would rather be asleep, that’s who.
You’ve heard that the stunts are amazing. And maybe they are – I couldn’t say. There’s too much CG garbage littered throughout to make any IRL stunts stand out.
This movie is the worst. It should never have been made…whoever gave it the green-light should have been fired. If they weren’t fired, then everyone above this person should have been sacked and replaced by chimpanzees wearing top hats.
It was that bad. Do not watch this movie. Do not, as I have, pay for this movie from a video rental service. For those who paid to see it in the theater, I recommend (highly) a class action lawsuit against the producers of this movie. It’s that terrible.
If you must watch it…and you would only do so because you hate yourself for very good reasons…then at least wait until Netflix picks it up. Perhaps, then, you can qualify your viewing. (But not really.) If you wish to watch it before Netflix obtains it, I have only this proverb for you – a fool and his money are soon parted. And you’re the fool, sucka.
Do not see this movie. Don’t entertain the idea of watching this movie. Don’t even read this review for fear you might entertain the notion you might entertain the idea of seeing this movie.
It’s garbage. It’s unadulterated garbage.
Oh, sweet Lord, you’re looking it up to watch it, aren’t you? It’s not as bad as the Awesomist says, you say.
You’re wrong. You’re a fool. And I won’t respect you in the morning. I hope you know that. Avoid it more than you would avoid the black plague.
The end. I hate myself for watching the entirety of this movie.